Against All Odds Part Three: Breaking the Cycle

The tears were there before I realized it. With the truck loaded, he drove away - part of me wanted to run after him, the other part knew this day would come; the boy in my life would become a man.

~~~~~

I knew we were in trouble as parents when my husband couldn't figure out how to put a diaper on our one day old, beautiful little girl, and all I did was laugh and watch through the lens of the video camera. After all, it was much more important to have this moment documented than to rescue our precious gem from the desperate man trying to change her diaper. Truth was, I wasn't much better at it than he - okay, so I did know that there was a front and back side to a diaper, but how was I supposed to know he had it inside out?

So began this wonderful journey of parenthood. We had unspoken fears, each concerned with issues of our past and how this would play into our performance as parents.

I grew up without a father in the home and was constantly on the move. There were times when our lives were in danger, and developing a strong defense mechanism was necessary to survive. My husband had his father at home and he was a good provider. It stopped there, however, and though Art knew how to be a provider, he didn't have an example of how to be a comforting and openly loving father. Could we be different?

Not only were the odds and statistics in favor of following the same pattern of our childhood, but added to this was the fact that we married so young. The odds increased that I would end up a single mother and my children would end up with an emotionally absent father.

It was a difficult task to say the least. We had our problems. Many of which could have, should have, sent us in different directions. But by the grace of God, we made it through.  I remembered the words of my mother - "We cried when we got divorced, we just didn't know any other way, and nobody told us any different."  The stubborn part of the two of us stayed together just because we didn't want all our nay-sayers to be right. And the one thing we both agreed upon  was that we wanted it to be different for our daughter and any children that would follow.

After my husband conquered OPERATION DIAPER, his confidence level rose to levels I never saw coming.  He would send me off to the store just so he could have daddy time, and he never called it babysitting.

Two years later, our son came along and for the longest time, being a parent was easy. They thought we were smart, and they wanted to be with us all of the time. This parenting thing was perfect and we were a world away from our experiences as children.

AND THEN..... they got a little older, pre-teens - we were not so knowledgeable, they didn't bow to our every request, they had minds of their own. Now what? By the time my husband and me were teenagers, our lives were out of control. Can we really break the cycle?

When we thought our only option was to throw our hands up in the air and let our kids control the household, Grace stepped in. We couldn't use not knowing what to do as an excuse not to try.  Sometimes we were way too hard on them, other times way too easy. Sometimes we lost our temper and yelled at our children. But the one thing we always did, was go to them and apologize for our behavior.  We wanted our children to respect us and have healthy fear of their parents. Not a fear that demands obedience or else. Not the kind of fear that sends them packing the first chance they get.

They were raised in church and were taught biblical values and when the time came to discuss issues of sex and drugs, we opted for the honest approach - yes, drugs can be fun. Yes sex can be fun and is a natural part of life. BUT there are other realities as well. The aftermath and wake of heartbreak, pain, and sometimes deadly consequences will not escape your choices. We told them God had good reasons for his boundaries. We told them that if they ever found themselves somewhere they didn't want to be, call us. No questions asked. Until the next day when we would have a good discussion of the why's and choices that led them to "that" place. It wouldn't do any good to have an unproductive fight that would cause each of us to say things we would regret. It would be better to wait until our emotions were in the right place.

We were not perfect by any means, but it was clear, the cycle had been broken. Our relationship with our children grew stronger everyday, and to our surprise, they always wanted to hang with us. Even when they were full-on teenagers. wow! They weren't embarrassed by us - what a treasure.

What made this possible? First and foremost, I would say the grace of God and lots of prayer. Secondly, it took guts to stick around when things got tough, and admitting when we were wrong. It took ignoring statistics and the odds that were stacked against us. And finally, it took not beating ourselves up for the sins of our past, but facing them head on so that we would never make those choices again - nor make it easy for our children to go down the same path of destruction we left behind.

If we can do it, you can too. It takes gusto, it takes God.

~~~~~

As he turned the corner, I sighed with a big thanks. He was on his way home - back to the country were he grew up - along side his sister and her wonderful husband.

I got a text last night from our daughter.

"Dinner was great we love you guys so stinkin much! Jay was telling us stories about him and dad and u and him it was so cute"

J made home.