Somebody Help - My Treadmill Is Trying to Kill Me!
Posted: Thursday, April 23, 2009
by Teresa Ortiz
Freelance writer/Speaker
Warning: Exercise can be hazardous to your health!
Today was the day; I could not put it off any longer. For the last six months, I have been making excuses. Most of them quite clever, in my opinion – until lately, that is. I've run the gamut and now I have to face the music. My barrel of excuses is empty. Yes sir–ree, bob, as my mom would say – it is time to hop to it. I know you are thinking, "get on with the story already". This is precisely my intention and if you are not thinking this, then I have utterly failed to put you in my shoes and you are free to stop reading.
Although, taking you back in time before I move on might get you frustrated enough to experience my frustration with my own procrastination…so let's go back:
On November 6, 2008, I wrote an article entitled, "Happy – Sad – Joyful" in it, I included a list of things I would be doing to keep myself busy while my husband went to work out of state. Let's review the list:
1. Catch up on my list of books to read.
2. Dust off the treadmill, put the junk away, stand on it and consider turning it on.
3. Unpack the last of the boxes from our move.
4. Catch up on my list of books to read.
5. Write another Bible study.
6. Stand on the clean treadmill, turn it on, and then turn it off.
7. Go out on a date or two with my boyfri-I mean son. (Don't be startin' rumors.)
8. Thank God for my incredible husband and his willingness to provide for his family.
9. Stand on the clean treadmill, turn it on, keep it on and get in great shape.
10. Rejoice in the Lord for His goodness.
Please note items # 2, # 6, and # 9.
Today is April 22, 2009; at 8:00am, I dusted the treadmill and put the junk away. At 8:30am, I stood on the treadmill, turned it on, and then turned it off. At 8:45am, I stood on the treadmill, turned it on and kept it on.
This is where the real story begins!
Okay Teresa, you can do this, I say to myself as I stand on the treadmill, turning the knob to the line marked medium.
As I walk, I start to bee-bop to the music, smiling because I am on my way to looking great for my gorgeous construction worker husband – when suddenly I feel a rather sharp poke on my bum – what in the world was that, I say. Turning around, I see the end of the bar to my son's weight set positioned ever so conveniently. Great – now I have to keep the pace on this treadmill, and make sure I don't lag an inch or I will be poked in the bum; talk about motivation!
I was quite impressed with myself as I had been walking at a hurried pace for 3 minutes and I could still breathe. Let's turn it up a bit shall we, I think.
BAD MOVE – way too fast, I had to run, metal gently touching my bum reminding me not to fall behind. Heart beating faster and faster, and I can't turn the machine down because the knob is a tad rusted for lack of use – what do I do? Jump off and take my chances?
In a state of panic I look to the writing on the machine for help. It was then I came across the following:
Caution! To avoid injury
* Read owners manual before operating
* Do not stand on walking belt while starting the treadmill
* Moving parts can cause injury
* Stop if you feel faint, dizzy, or out of breath
Alas! I realized I went about this whole treadmill thing all wrong. According to its own instructions, you are not to stand on the belt if you want to start the treadmill. And duh, of course moving parts cause injury.
If I would have turned it on, and watched it from a distance, I would not have felt faint or dizzy. And I certainly would not have been short of breath.
Seriously, that thing tried to kill me – I had no idea exercise could be hazardous to my health and as it turns out, my bum as well.
Fifteen scary minutes later, the knob released, slowing my pace. The treadmill eventually came to a frightening end, and I was safe. Six- months from now, when I get on it again, I will be sure and reposition my son's weight bar. Oh, and I will remember the most import rule -- do not stand on the treadmill if I intend to start it.
All joking aside, I did all the proper stretching and working out felt great. I intend to get this heart of mine into shape and with any luck the body will follow.
© Teresa Ortiz
Thanks for sharing your story Teresa. I laughed out loud. (With you, not at you - I have my own treadmill horror story) :)Hi Brianna, thanks for stopping by. I am so glad you got a laugh (with me of course.)So what is your story :-) I want to laugh with you and not at you too :-)Blessings! Teresa
LOL!!! Now I have a new list of excuses, thanks for providing!!Hi Nila, It's my pleasure - you know me, always wanting to lend a helping hand to my fellow [wo] man :-)Glad you enjoyed. Blessings to you! Teresa
Thanks for putting a smile on my face. What a great way to start a Friday morning. Thanks T this is getting forwarded to my husband.HI Abbey, yay! glad you smiled. Thanks for sending it off to your hubby :-)Enjoy the weekend! Blessings to you! Teresa
T, I laughed with you and Brianna. I think many of us have our treadmill stories. Mine isn't currently plugged into an outlet or lowered. I paid $2K (Schwinn) for the thing. Just HAD to have it! Ha! (Wish I had the $2K, now!)
Thanks for the laughs. The mornings and late evenings are gorgeous here so walking outside with my iPod is what I've opted to do until the weather changes. Then to that expensive piece of idle equipment.
A blessed and happy weekend. Make sure you prepare Art's heart for your 'new look!'
Love,
AHi Avis! How are ya? I would like the $2K myself! This treadmill belongs to my mom. She is a workout queen. She once had several pieces of equipment that she actually used. I loved her workout room! That woman can run circles around me!She left me the treadmill. I used it faithfully when I got 4 years ago for about 3 months and not again til this time.Glad you got a giggle :-) I would love to hear some other treadmill stories :-)Big hugs, Sistah T
Thanks for a fun article. I agree with Avis I think we all have our treadmill stories. I currently don't have one but I do currently have and idle Schwinn Bike.Hi Linda, glad you enjoyed it. Thanks so much for reading!God bless you! Teresa
Funny Teresa! I don't have any treadmill stories to share, and, I don't see any in the future right now. I do however, work out at the gym. I walk from my car to the front desk, have them turn on the tanning bed, and then walk back to my car. LOL. I have stood on a treadmill and it didn't look fun. I would rather walk down the street to the taco restaurant.Love you always,MichelleMichellie - My funny Michellie is back! STAY OFF THE TREADMILL dear friend. I like your style of work outs much better :-)Love you!
Teresa, hahahahahahahahaha, this was great, and gave me a much needed laugh, thank you so much for that!!! It even inspired me to write a funny, lol....Great article, and it had me laughing all the way through it!! Some of the ultimate sacrafices you gals make for the love of your lives, is just astounding! I love your items # 2, # 6, and # 9. The intent was there, and eventually you did it at great risk to body and soul, I applaud you for that!! The last time I got on one of those things, I swore it was possessed. But I did manage to master it, it wasn't the tread mill, it was me!!!, hahahahahahaha Great article, and as always very entertaining, your husband is a very lucky man, I feel as though I know him through what you write. Well done my wonderful friend....Your fan, and friend, not just in pen, but just your friend.......GaryHi Gary! I am soooo happy I could bring you a much needed laugh. They say God works in mysterious ways :-)I am looking foward to reading your funny! Your son and daughter in law are continually in my prayers. keep smiling, keep laughing - God is good - all the time, all the time, God is good!I do have to say, Art is my inpsiration for funny - He is a witty and funny kind of guy - which is wierd because he is also shy and doesn't like big crowds, and when he realizes he is the center of attention, he freezes. I try to encourage him to comment on the articles, but he just mumbles. It warms my heart to hear you say you feel as if you are getting to know him through my writing. If you ever want to see what he and the rest of my family look like, check out my facebook page and click on the family photos section off to the lower left of my page. But you can only do this if you have a facebook page -- or maybe I will write a little diddy about my family and post a few family pics in the article for my SW family to view.
Hey Teresa! Very funny stuff, lady! Well done. By the way...as a 'retired' personal trainer, here's a little tip for ya (oh no. here she goes...) Sell the treadmill....really! Sell it, go buy yourself some foul weather gear (not that you'll need it now, but for when ya do) and GET OUTSIDE AND WALK. It's so much better for you. Trees, flowers, smells, critters, big sky, etc. PLUS, once you've made this a 'routine', you'll ACHE to go for your walks. I'm NOT kidding. The body is a magnificent machine (as opposed to the dreaded treadmill) and it's going to crave the endorphins you're going to produce on those walks. Remember this: it only take TWENTY ONE DAYS to form a habit. If you can stick it out for that long, you'll be a brand new person. Promise!Hugs, Bella~CamilleHi Camielle, thanks so much for stopping by and for your encouraging comment.I live in the country and am surrounded by the beauty of God's creation. BUT, I do not walk in the cold weather. I am a wimp :-) However, the warm weather is coming and I will surely be outdoors walking and enjoying my surroundings. I do appreciate the kick in the bum - so to speak :-)Have a beatiful week! Hugs, Teresa
Funny, funny, funny!!Hey Bro, Glad you got a giggle :-) Sis
Teresa, this is great, I have something like this except it is taking a 2 miles walk with my dog three days a week. Funny how I can find excuses for not going out!! AnitaHi Anita, thanks for reading. You need an excuse? uummm..... poison the dog? (I didn't just say that! :-))When the weather gets better, I will be walking outdoors, but until then, it's inside excersise for me. Blessings!Teresa