The Rise and Fall of a Wall Named Ruin: The Foundation
Posted: Thursday, July 31, 2008
by Teresa Ortiz
Freelance writer/Speaker
Like everything in life, Ruin had a beginning. I remember the day I began to build her; I was seven years old. When my parents divorced, we moved into a different neighborhood. It wasn't better than the other, just a different set of the same kind of people.
Shyness was not a weakness, which worked in my favor-most times. But this day was different. It was the day that I met Lizzy-and the day Ruin was born. We met in the morning. Her brother was the leader of the local gang. It should have been my first clue, but I was clueless at seven-silly me.
Never again will anyone catch me by surprise and humiliate me--this was my vow and so began the life of Ruin. So this is the way life works, hurt others before they hurt you and never trust anyone. And then I understood the saying, "Screw me once, shame on you--screw me twice, shame on me--A hard lesson for a child.
Ruin fast became my best friend. She was my security; she was my freedom; she was my prison-and I loved her.
With my new set of eyes, I saw things clearly. In addition, with clearer vision came better hearing and wisdom. I learned how to read people. I could anticipate just about everything and I prided myself in being right. Have you noticed I am using the word "I" a lot? At this point in life, what else mattered?
BRICKS AND MORTAR
It was our weekend to be with our father. He had been remarried for a time. I am unsure of how long, but long enough to gain a little sister who was two or three. "We are taking a trip", my father says. We were excited! The car was packed and off we went. The trip quickly turned into a disaster; as I had grown accustomed to being alert, I was the only one who noticed that my father was falling asleep at the wheel and the cigarette had fallen somewhere between the seat and the door. While everyone else was laughing and singing to the music, I reached over him and grabbed the steering wheel to keep us from running off the road. Upon doing this, my father woke and everyone was instantly silent. "I'm just tired sweetheart." "Gee, could it be all the beer you've been drinking? And don't call me sweetheart-I'm not your sweetheart! I am Teresa."
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Sin is an interesting thing. It has the ability to listen, watch, and learn. It feeds off the weakness of the individual it pursues and then feeds it right back. For my father, it was addictions and extreme mood swings; for me it was the anger, the pride and the need to be self-sufficient. Which reminds me, this same weekend, my mom was bullied into throwing her furniture away, and using her new boyfriend's. (How convenient for him.) I was so angry and stubborn. I refused to sit on it--and I didn't for at least a month, my mom would later tell me. How silly. Nevertheless, this is what sin does; it drives us to do something that in the end, only causes shame and makes us feel stupid. What point did not sitting on the furniture make? How did it effect change in my world? It makes me laugh now; O' how I wish that were the worst thing my pride and self-sufficient attitude would have me do.
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I'm not sure what time it was when I was awakened by a scream coming from the hotel bathroom. "What is going on?" My older sister was on the phone looking for dad, my brother went to the vending machine because we were hungry, and I ran to the bathroom to find out who was screaming. It was my little sister. She had gotten into the soap and it was all mushy. Her hair, hands, and eyes were covered with it. "Where is dad?' I yelled. "How am I supposed to know?" My sister yells back. It didn't take us long to realize that my father and step-mother did not come back to the hotel room all night.
We hadn't been at the hotel for very long when they told us that they were just going to have "a few drinks" and they would be back shortly. At that point, we thought it was kind of cool. They trusted us to be alone in the hotel room in Las Vegas all by ourselves! What a treat! I was 10 by now, so it wasn't as if we couldn't handle a couple of hours. Unfortunately, this was all night and a completely different story.
Ruin was now higher and thicker than ever before. At 10 years old, I was becoming quite the street-smart kid.
I don't want to paint too bad of a picture, we did have some good times as well. For instance, I loved to go shooting. I was quite the shot with my father's 22-rifle. I would love it when I could hit the can just before it hit the ground repeatedly until I emptied the rifle. I also remember when we would listen to the Door's all the way to and from the desert. "Riders on the Storm" and "People are Strange" come to mind--those times were great.
~~~~~
Forgiveness is an interesting thing. Before our relationship was restored, I couldn't remember any good times at all. I would have sworn with all the pride and confidence I had that there was not one good memory to be had as a child when it came to him. Now I remember many fun times, though sadly, fewer than I wish. This too, is another consequence of divorce. Nevertheless, I cling to those desert trips and on occasion I listen to the Doors just to savor the memory.
When I first spoke to my dad about writing this story, I wasn't sure how he would respond. He is honored that I feel God has worked such a miracle that I wanted to share my story--and this is what it is. I readily admit, he is a big part of it. Nevertheless, I want it to be clear; they were my choices. He was just a convenient excuse.
Building Ruin was my choice and she almost destroyed me. Until God pulled out His hammer, that is.
"But where sin abounded; grace abounded much more, that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 5:20
There is hope for peace. There is hope for freedom from our personal prison; it cost Jesus His life, it cost us our surrender.
To be continued…
© Teresa Ortiz My Father
This Article has been viewed 527 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
More commentsWow Teresa, I can relate. My mom used to tell me I had false pride. Hugs & Blessings.Hi Michelle. It is interesting that we all need something to keep us going. God created us to need him, but until we seek him, we fill that place with something else. My wall was what gave me the strength to make it through. It carried me. I didn't know I was living on warped pride. We do this until our wall is so thick, we become numb and empty, only we do not see it that way. We think it's because we are strong. But then again, anyone can be strong when they don't allow anyone into their heart.Thanks for reading and for the hugs and blessings :-)
Hi Teresa,Thanks for sharing your story, very well written! I know it must have taken a lot of courage to share something so personal but I'm sure others will be blessed by it too! God bless you!Thanks Lisa, I appreciate the encouragement. If anything in life I have experienced helps another, then it is worth it. have a wonderful weekend-God bless you too!
hi t,there is absolutely no wonder why this well written, interesting, and inspiring article got almost 5 points, it was worth 5! it is raw, meaning it hits you where you hurt most, and it was honest, and flowed nicely.it's not easy sharing with thousands, your most vulnerable experiences.you did it well. and i wanted more. yeah for you, and congratulations for the rating, you deserve it.my best,sueHi Sue, wow! thanks so much. I really appreciate your kind words and encouragement. There is much more and I am praying and considering how much more to share. I am considering e-book--I just don't know exactly what God has in mind. All I know is I feel more burdened then ever to share it. Again thanks for your support. God is in the business of miracles! And I am forever grateful for it.
Hi Teresa, Sharing you story with others should help get rid of a lot of the pain. It may help others to do the same. Good for you having the courage to do this.You will be led as to what you should do as the time gets closer to make a decision about publication. For now, just keep on writing and getting rid of some of the pain.I am glad your father is supporting you in this. It should be hlepful to him and to your relationship with him.PatriciaHi Patricia,thank you for your kind, caring and encouraging words. The beauty in all of this is that the pain is all gone. We have been healed completely. I didn't want to write this story until the pain was gone. Reason being, is that I hope my story will utlimately give God the glory and show others that when we let God do the healing, it is 100%. We don't merely cope, we are free and whole! I know that there are many encouraging stories that talk about victory through the pain, but my story is about victory from the pain.We have learned alot from looking at this from eachothers perspective. He is now sharing this story with his congragation and with the ministry he is involved in. I love it!
Very impressive. Thanks for sharing this part of your life with us. You have made me thankful for my Christian parents who made sure God was the first consideration. I am so sorry for all you have been through, but getting to know you through SW makes me realize that every single thing that happened contributed to the Godly woman, teacher, mom, wife, writer and friend that you are today. God bless you, your book and your ministry.Thank you Lorrie, that means a lot to me. I am glad you have a renewed thankfulness for your parents. My daughter and I have these conversations alot because she is amazed at the kind of parents we have become despite our experience. I suppose like anything, its easy to take for granted what we have always known. Of course, you know I give all the credit to what God has done, but at the same time, we had to be willing to let God do the work. Dying to self is very painful. But well worth it. I have had way to much seriousness in my life, I suppose that is why I love humor so much, I believe it was a gift from God; something to replace the hard shell I had for so long.I do hope the Lord would bring us together at some point. Love and blessings! Teresa
Wow! Teresa! I can't say anything else...At the end of "everything" when we acknowledge our Saviour, we get the really victory.The verse you quoted from 'Romans' is so powerful for us, believers.May God Bless you abundantly.Hi Candles, thank you and praise God,Romans is powerful and this passage says so much.When we are spritually dead, we are blinded by our sin that traps us, yet when we die to our sinful nature and allow God's grace to cover us, we have victory and there is no sin bigger than grace!!! Except the rejection of Christ.Thank you for your testimony of God's goodness in your life!
Grace is always there Teresa if you just stop to notice. All the best my friend, good job.Hi Robert, thanks for reading and for the great comment. How true, Grace is always available for the taking. It's the reaching out that is the difficult part. Lord bless you always, dear friend!
This is a great beginning. Don't change a thing. I really think you should keep the last part because it explains were your book will be going. I like how you put the outline in that makes it easy for me to follow along with you. I can't wait to read your book.Your cubical buddy,Ann MarieHi Ann, thanks for the support. Your input means a lot. It's great to have you as a prayer partner and a coworker! You are a gift to me. I do hope and pray there will be a book to read. I have some great mentors helping me along the way.Thanks again!
Hi Teresa. Thank you for bringing this article back to my attention. This is so powerful. It's encouraging to know that you have worked your way through the pain. Your story needs to be heard. Brava!DianneI do hope it is a great encouragement to many. God is good! Thanks again for everything! I am praying for an open door, I don't think this desire is of my own doing. Especially since I never dreamed of writing as a kid. Not even 5 years ago for that matter....we shall see. It';s encouraging to know that at least a handfull of people will read it. :-)
Teresa I am so blessed to have you back in my life and I can not wait until the day that we are able to see each other in real life and I mean face to face. You are an insperation to others but most of all to me. You are blessed.I agree! I can't wait either. Maybe sometime around the end of the month. Or sometime in August. We are moving back to CA in Sept. (as long as we find a place when I go down in August.) I know it will happen :-) Lord bless you always! Teresa
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