Outta My Way Martha Stewart, Here I Come
Posted: Wednesday, May 14, 2008
by Teresa Ortiz
Freelance writer/Speaker
So my friend forwards me The question of the day; she had to or else her belly button w
ould have unscrewed and her butt would have fallen off. It's hard to believe, but it's true--it said so right at the bottom of the e-mail!
The question?
"Are you a Martha or a Maxine?" Gee, I don't know let me read on and find out.
For those of you who haven't seen the e-mail, following are a few things on the list so that you know where I am coming from--or rather, where I'm headed.
Martha's Way:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably laying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha's Way:
Brush some beaten egg whites over the pie crust before baking to yield a beautifully glossy finish.
Maxine's Way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.
And my personal favorite...
Martha's Way:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Maxine's Way:
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.
*********
Well, if this isn't offensive I don't know what is! I bake, thank you very much! Let me just tell you what an amazing baker I am.
A long time ago, I baked Banana Nut Bread. It looked so beautiful when I took it out of the oven. You would have just died for a piece--but then without warning, it sank. Flat as a board...so what if I forgot to add the four cups of flour--picky, picky!
Then there was the time I baked Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cookies. Yummy! So what if you had to use a hammer to break a piece off! I was always told, it is the thought that counts.
However, last night was the best! I was feeling a bit challenged by my dearest friend and little Miss Martha, so after dinner, I decided to bake a cake. I wonder if there is a box of cake mix and a can of frosting in the cabinet...yes there is!
"Hey guys, you want me to bake a cake?"
"No, it's okay."
"I don't mind"
"No, really...it's okay!"
"Fine I'll make it for myself."
I was humming away as I pulled out all the ingredients. So far so good. Then I searched for the mixer and the mixer thing-a-majiggers. Well, I don't know what I did, but as I was putting the mixer thing-a-majiggers into their appropriate slots, the mixer turned on and pretty soon my fingers were all tangled up! I let out a scream and my husband came running to make sure I was okay. He fought the laughter as long as he could and then simply said, "And you don't bake, why?"
Sigh. Oh well, I finished mixing the mix and went to grease the pan...what was it Martha said to do? Oh, never mind, Maxine said the boxes don't call for anything like that and I should really be going to the bakery..so I'm way ahead of the game.
I must say, 34 minutes later, we had the best cake ever. My husband and my son even had two pieces, so there.
My baking skills have improved dramatically over the years, and my mommy always says that practice makes perfect. So, outta my way Martha, here I come!
Alright, fine. I admit it. I am a Maxine, through and through and I'm okay with that.
Second to Patti, Marie Calendar is my best friend.
(C) Teresa Ortiz
This Article has been viewed 984 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (10 total)Teresa! I LOVE this! You're hilarious! Thanks for making me laugh out loud. (I'm a Mrs. Smith fan myself. I leave the baking to the bakers.) Me? I can cook up a storm, so long as it doesn't involve batter. Thank God for bakeries!Hi Camille, so glad you enjoyed it and got a good laugh! My fingers have forgiven me :-) Yes, I can cook too, but baking--well, not so much! Thanks for the comments, I appreciate them. I agree, thank God for bakeries and good friends that bake for us!
hi teresa, this was a great article. and i think one we can all relate to. it was well written, and funny. thanks for sharing with us, best regards, sueHi Sue, I'm glad you enjoyed it! Have a great day-many blessings to you!
Loved it, Teresa. I have discovered I have a split personality. I love to bake (Martha) and hate to cook (Maxine). Any advice?Ha! Let's see, there's Taco Bell for Mexican food night, there's Figaro's for Italian night and if you're thinking something a little nicer, Marie Calendar's has an array of home-cooked meals you can put in the microwave. OH!! There's also "Shake and Bake", it comes with the little baggie and twist tie too!(So I've heard.) Other than this, I got nothin' for ya! Glad you enjoyed it thanks for sharing :-)
Hillarious! I think we can all agree that your writing skills are probably better than your baking skills. (I hope your fingers are OK). Thanks so much for a much needed laugh! ScottHi Scott, thanks so much for stopping by! I'm so glad you got a laugh at my expense :-) Thanks for the compliment about my writing skills. (given the comparison, is it really a compliment.) hhmm, I'll have to think about that one.... If you need another laugh, you should read my article entitled "The night I didn't learn how to belly dance. Many blessings to you and welcome to searchwarp!
This was a fun article to read and I can totally relate. I am Maxine....and have done things like you too!Hi Becky, I'm thanks or reading and thanks for letting me know you enjoyed the read. It's good to know I am not alone :-)
Such good fun! I've done some baking myself, so I know the challenge. The really frustrating thing is when the first one turns out perfect and pride falls when the second and third do not. Ah well. Better luck next time. For you, Teresa, well done for not giving up.Thanks for the support! We not-so-good bakers need to stick together!! I'm glad you had fun. Keep trying--although, your wife probably bakes well. Where's my wife :-) Good to hear from you again. Blessings to you! Teresa
Yes Teresa being the wise man I am [cough cough] I have one of those fail safe mechanisms called a wife. My job is to eat and be critical, which I rarely if ever need to be. Now all I have to do is utter the thought and presto. Right now I'm munching on the Almond Cookies that did not meet the final inspection. I get a batch of Annisette and Almond to keep my stress levels down. Ice cream cones, no mess, no enjoyment. Best as always RobertHi Robert, I agree! I'm glad you have a wife that bakes for you :-) My husband is a great BBQ man, but I still need to find a wife to do my baking for me :-) Blessings to you and have a fabulous weekend!
I guess what really flavors the food are the memories that are made in the kitchen.Hi Michael, great point! I suppose the food that comes from my kitchen is well flavored! Thanks for reading and sharing. Blessings to you!
Very funny Teresa. Now I will have to go and look for some of your other articles. Thanks David CowleyHi David, Thanks for reading and taking a moment to comment. I'm so glad you got a laugh :-) I do hope you enjoy the other articles as well. Some are tales of my mishaps, and others reflect the real joy and passion of my heart, which is encouraging others in the love of God. I suppose one of these days, I will learn how to combined the two in the same article. I enjoy your articles as well, you provide great information. Many blessings to you!
Hi Teresa. This was great fun. Thanks for directing me to it. In my rush to get things done, I don't always get to read as much as I'd like. I think I am more of a Maxine than a Martha. I also think I will try to remember to be sure to switch off the mixer when I done from now on instead of just unplugging it! Well done! DianneHi Dianne, so glad you stopped by. I thought you might be able to relate :-) Thanks for joining my fan club!!
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